Congratulations on your engagement! We’re glad you’re here!
Whether you are newly engaged or civilly wedded and seeking a sacramental marriage, the Office for Marriage and Family Life is here to offer support and guidance for the big day, but more importantly, for a lifetime together as husband and wife. Just like a priest prepares for his vocation, the Church strives to provide sufficient preparation for you to enter this important life-long vocational sacrament. The biggest question and fear going into marriage is: will it last? We are here to divorce-proof your marriage by giving you the best marriage preparation possible! Here is a roadmap of steps for each engaged couple to take as you prepare to embark on the beautiful vocation of marriage:
6 Steps to a Rewarding Marriage Preparation Experience
Marriage Process
After you become engaged, contact your parish as soon as possible and set up a meeting with the priest to assist you with your marriage preparation. This meeting would ideally be nine months or more before the wedding date.
Soon after your initial meeting with your priest or deacon, you will complete a marriage preparation inventory. This inventory provides you a unique opportunity to discuss various topics and build a strong foundation for your life together.
A Pre-Marital Inventory is a tool that guides healthy conversations on numerous topics, some of which couples may have never previously discussed. The inventory is not a test or a predictive tool. It helps engaged couples understand individual lifestyle expectations and enhances couples’ ability to communicate about marital topics. Each couple has an inventory facilitator who will lovingly guide each engaged couple to converse with each other - which may include some difficult conversations - in order to provide a strong foundation for marriage. The inventory is not a measure of compatibility, and no one can fail it. It is a snapshot in time of what you as an engaged couple are thinking right now, and you will grow and learn more about each other as you converse together over time. The inventory consists of dozens of topical statements you will respond to individually. We suggest that you set aside enough time to take the inventory separately so that you can go out to dinner afterward to discuss your impressions before meeting with your facilitator.
Please consult your priest or deacon to find out which inventory the parish uses. Most of our parishes use either FOCCUS or Prepare-Enrich. Your facilitator will either be a priest, deacon, deacon couple, lay person, or mentor couple.
FOCCUS stands for Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding & Study and is designed to help couples learn more about themselves and their unique relationship. FOCCUS provides individualized couple feedback on where each partner stands regarding topic areas such as personalities, interests, problem solving, intimacy, faith, etc. The results of the inventory are compiled into a couple report and serve as a springboard for discussions. The cost to register for FOCCUS is $20 per couple. Once you register, FOCCUS will send the bride and groom passwords within 3 days so they can each complete the inventory separately online. The bride and groom are encouraged to check their Spam folders for the passwords as sometimes FOCCUS e-mails end up in the spam folder. If you have any questions regarding your passwords or the registration link below, please contact Ruth Staab at [email protected].
Click here to Register for FOCCUS
Prepare-Enrich is a customized couple assessment completed online that identifies a couple’s strength and growth areas. It is also used for marriage counseling, marriage enrichment, and dating couples considering engagement. If your parish utilizes Prepare-Enrich, your pastor will give you access to this inventory (cost is $35 per couple) which helps couples to:
- Explore strength and growth areas
- Strengthen communication skills
- Identify and manage major stressors
- Resolve conflict using the ten-step model
- Explore family of origin issues
- Discuss financial planning and budgeting
- Understand and appreciate personality differences
Please consult your parish priest to see which educational component your parish utilizes for marriage preparation. Your parish will utilize one of these three educational components
If you talk to engaged couples, many will tell you there is no substitute for a good mentor couple in the marriage preparation process. This couple can authentically share their struggles and their joys with you and remain available to answer questions throughout your first few years of marriage. Their experience, witness of marital love, and the mentoring they provide ensure that you have someone to turn to as you learn and grow together.
Different parishes use different mentor couple marriage preparation ministries. An example of one that our parishes are using is Witness to Love.
The Witness to Love Approach: What makes Witness to Love unique is the mentor couple format, in which the engaged couple chooses their mentor couple – one that they trust and admire- a couple they would like to accompany them in their marriage journey. The divorce rate by the 5-year mark of marriage in the United States is between 23-25%. Parishes who use the Witness to Love model of marriage prep have reduced their divorce rate at 5 years to less than 6%.
Mentorship: Through a mentorship model, couples preparing for marriage choose a mentor couple to grow in relationship with who attends Mass regularly and is not related to them. Each engaged couple meets with their mentor couple monthly to form good marital habits (virtues like patience and honesty) and gain vital skills (like conflict resolution) using the Witness to Love workbook and videos. They will also watch a ½ day retreat together where a priest shares about the sacrament of marriage and forgiveness, while married couples share about family of origin (including growing up in a divorced home), communication, finances, interfaith marriages, parenting, and intimacy (including one couple’s story about the use of pornography).
Click here for more information.
Please note: If your parish does not offer Witness to Love at this time, ask your priest if you can participate via the Witness to Love Virtual Pathway. The Witness to Love Virtual Pathway offers you and your spouse the same marriage preparation process as the parish-based program, except the initial steps and introduction process are completed with the help of the Witness to Love coaches. To get started, visit the link above to fill out the intake form. A Witness to Love team member will reach out to you and get you everything you need to start your journey!
This form of marriage preparation is a two step- process which consists of an in-person Pre-Cana day followed by a virtual retreat.
Part 1: Pre-Cana days are held at various locations across the diocese. Married couples share their experience with you in a large group setting and you are given a workbook of exercises to complete with your fiancé during breakout session discussion times. The topics covered during Pre-Cana include:
- Family of Origin
- Finances
- Communication and Conflict
- The Sacrament of Marriage
- Intimacy
- Parenting
For Pre-Cana dates, please click here.
Part 2: The Virtual Retreat is a required component in addition to the Pre-Cana day. The Dicastery of Laity, Marriage, Family Life, and Youth is concerned about the divorce rate and has asked that a retreat be included in marriage preparation because the Church realizes that couples cannot prepare for marriage in one day. The retreat consists of videos of presentations given by couples who have struggled in their marriage or with various Church teachings.
This half-day retreat covers the following topics integrating a spiritual component, taking a deeper dive into what is learned in Pre-Cana, and adding some more sensitive topics that are easier to discuss privately:
- Communication in Marriage: Make Your Unique Rules For Engaging
- The Grace of the Sacrament and Forgiveness (given by a priest)
- Grace and Conflict: Willfulness, Weaknesses, Woundedness
- Finding Freedom from Porn: One Couple’s Story
- Finances and the Four Cardinal Virtues
- Living as a Catholic Family and The Good News about Sex and Marriage
- Marriage and Sexuality: What is the Church Doing in the Bedroom?
Couples also have access to bonus segments that can be watched any time throughout engagement and marriage on topics such as Interfaith and Ecumenical Marriages, Be Healed (for adult children of divorce or separation), Parenting Expectations, and Self-Knowledge (dealing with family of origin and the temperaments).
Couples must wait until after attending Pre-Cana to attend the Half-Day Virtual Retreat. The retreat builds on what is learned during the Pre-Cana day and gives the couple questions to discuss together and resources to use now and throughout marriage.
Once you have your Pre-Cana certificate and are ready to view the half-day virtual retreat, simply go to www.witnesstolove.org, and click "Register" at the top of the page. You will then click on the "register here" button under "Registration for Be More Retreat". When you enter your information, they will ask you whether you are diocesan/chancery staff so choose NO. For church/parish who has paid for your subscription, choose "Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception". For new parish, write the parish where you are getting marriage prep. Once you submit, Witness to Love (WTL) will send you an e-mail with the subject line "Register for Your WTL courses" that says that WTL has given you access to the content. Click on "register to view content", then enter your e-mail and create an account. You will receive an e-mail that says Form Submitted Successfully. At the top of that e-mail, click on "My Courses" then scroll to bottom and click on "Diocese of Springfield Be More Retreat" to view the half-day retreat which consists of the first 7 videos on the left. Note: The bonus content videos are not part of your half-day retreat. Those are available to you any time during your marriage to watch at your leisure over time. If you have any questions, please contact Gracie Ortiz at [email protected].
If this is a second marriage for you, please speak with your parish priest about attending New Life for the educational component of your marriage prep. Please note these retreats are held in-person outside of the Diocese of Springfield in Illinois and they have a livestream option.
Preparing for remarriage is unique. The New Life team couples have the life experience of losing a spouse through death or divorce and know what individuals who have experienced this type of loss go through as they rebuild and rediscover new relationships. To that point, topics common to all couples, such as conflict resolution and finances, take on a new perspective through the lens of remarriage.
New Life is a program that was created over 35 years ago for remarried couples This program is for any couple who is preparing to embark on the lifelong journey of holy matrimony covering topics such as understanding remarriage, working through past relationships, understanding ourselves and family of origin, effective communication, effective conflict resolution, blending families, remarriage finances, emotional connection, intimacy in remarriage, belonging to a Church community, and the sacrament and rite of Holy Matrimony. The presenting team includes remarried couples, a marriage and family life therapist, and a theologian.
Upcoming retreats are listed here: https://ilovestellamaris.org/remarriage
Information about the annulment process may be found here.
Each engaged couple is asked to take an introductory class in NFP which will show the couple how to chart. There are several highly effective, researched methods of Natural Family Planning to choose from, and they are available to learn either in person or online.
Click here to learn more.
We believe that our God is a God of mercy and forgiveness. The Church encourages couples to receive this gift of mercy through frequent confession before and after their wedding. Engaged and married couples who frequently receive this sacrament have better odds at succeeding in their marriage. They say that not going to confession before your wedding day is like taking a shower with a raincoat on holding an umbrella where the water coming down in the shower represents God’s graces being poured out upon you. God wants to pour forth his graces on marriages through the sacrament of matrimony, and we want to be in a state of grace to be able to fully receive all the graces.
Please contact your preferred parish to find out their Confession times or set up an appointment. Resources to prepare:
Confession Guide for Engaged Couples
What does a priest think when hearing a Confession
For Interfaith and Interchurch Marriages
Couples often wonder how the Catholic Church will respond to their desire to marry if they do not share the same faith background. When one of the engaged is baptized but not Catholic that is known as an “interfaith” or “mixed” marriage. If one of the engaged is not baptized, that is called an “interchurch” marriage. Please be assured that the Catholic Church is just as interested in helping you to thoroughly prepare for this sacred commitment as She is in helping couples prepare for Catholic marriages.
In addition to regular marriage preparation, the priest/deacon should help you as a couple discuss and explore your respective religious traditions and explain the overall importance of remaining faithful to the vows you will make on your wedding day. If you are preparing for an interfaith/interchurch marriage, it is extremely important that both of you invest time in understanding your own and each other’s religious background.
Your research will indeed bring up very important questions such as,
- How important is my faith to me?
- I haven’t practiced my faith before, but once we’re married, I will want to practice my faith daily, weekly.
- Am I required, do I want to raise our kids in my faith?
- Where can we go to Church?
- What holidays and traditions will we celebrate?
It is advisable that you as a couple consult with the minister, rabbi, or religious leader of the non-Catholic faith so as to completely understand the requirements of each faith tradition. Convalidation: Couples seeking Catholic convalidation (Church recognition) of their union, (i.e. civil union or previous nonCatholic wedding) are encouraged to consult with a priest for assistance appropriate to their unique circumstances.
You’re almost there! The purpose of this last meeting with your Pastor is to finalize the details for the liturgical celebration of your wedding such as readings, music selection, servers, gift-bearers, and specific cultural traditions.
After Your Wedding
Your wedding day will be one of the most important days of your life. It is the beginning of your new life together and we can’t wait for you to continue growing in your love for one another and for God. Just like many of us seek mentors when we embark on a new line of work, it is even more important as we embark on a lifelong vocation to keep in touch with mentors who can offer a listening ear and celebrate joyful occasions. Check out our Marriage and Family Life webpage to find other resources as you continue to live the abundant, beautiful, grace-filled life God has in store for you.
Thank you for allowing us to journey with you during this time!