How to have a beautiful marriage and how to stay in love
Beth Sri is a Catholic speaker and author and mother of eight children. She serves as the Denver, Colo., chapter coordinator for Life-Giving Wounds, a Catholic ministry for adult children of divorce. She is also the co-author with her husband of the award-winning book, The Good, The Messy and The Beautiful: The Joys and Struggles of Real Married Life. Earlier this year, Catholic Times Editor Andrew Hansen sat down with Sri on the diocesan podcast, Dive Deep, to get her advice on how to have a beautiful marriage and how to stay in love. You can hear/watch their interview on youtube.com/diospringfield or search Dive Deep on all the major podcast platforms. Answers here are edited.
Q. The statistics have been alarming for a long time with about half of marriages ending in divorce and marriage rates in general continue to be on the decline. What do you think the problem is?
A. There’s so much brokenness. People come from broken homes all over the place and so they’ve never seen what a good marriage looks like. It’s hard to envision yourself in that, and I think also media and the culture casts so many diversions in our world that are trying to pull people apart from that authentic connection and communion of husband and wife living in love — physically, emotionally, spiritually — all the ways that we’re called.
Q. Your book, The Good, the Messy, and the Beautiful, goes into the nitty-gritty of marriage and family life, explaining what to do when reality hits. When that messiness occurs, what advice do you have for couples?
A. When you get married, you have what I call “gooey love.” Then as the years go on and as the kids keep coming, it’s easy to lose that spark, but that is actually what you’re supposed to do because if it’s “gooey” all throughout, and it doesn’t get deep, and it doesn’t get real, and it doesn’t get beyond that gooey and sweet type of love, the marriage is not going to go the distance. So, we found in our marriage, we found in other couples that we’ve talked to, there’s usually some sort of crucial impasse, and that’s where God steps in and where you feel your poverty in your marriage and you think, “Golly, am I even supposed to be here? I don’t know, Lord. Where are you? You said you’d be with us.” That’s where Jesus brings the new wine just like he did back at the Wedding Feast of Cana. If we can just stay there and call out to Him by the grace of the sacrament, by the grace of our vows, that’s where He is. So, it’s actually in your brokenness and your poverty that you can gain the strength through Him to push through.
Q. We all want beautiful marriages. We want to stay madly in love with our spouse. What tips do you have?
A. The first thing that comes to mind is smiling at your spouse, especially the first time you see him/her for the day. Delight in the presence (with your spouse). We all want that deep down, so when my husband comes home from work, even if I’m in the worst mood, the kids are out of control, and he walks in the door, I’ve tried to practice the art of stopping what I’m doing and giving him a hug. Little things like that can really revolutionize a marriage that’s hurting because all of a sudden there’s delight and joy just in the other person. If we can just get back to that place of joy and delight, it can be really powerful.
Outdo one another in showing love and service. It should be a sort of competition in an ideal world, but we know we get tired, and things come up. So, I think it’s just taking that time to think, “What would honor my spouse today? What does he need?” Or, even asking your spouse how you can support him or her. Eve was created to be a helpmate for Adam. Spouses really can be that unique help. I don’t need my husband to pretend to know how labor works. I don’t need him to do a lot of things in the midst of me going through that. I just need him to hold my hand, be that presence. It just gives me the strength to keep going and doing new things and take risks and throw myself out there.
Q. What is something that happened in your marriage that made you and your husband rethink things and how did you improve the situation you were in?
A. We have a child that is lovely but has very big emotional reactions and my response is to see the child, to be with the child, to work with the child. My husband has a hard time tolerating anything. So, it’s that melding. We both have something (different). Absolutely it’s going to lead to character flaws we need to deal with, but I also have a piece of the puzzle, and that’s the child’s heart that needs to be reverenced and accompanied in the midst of that correction. So, it’s like we’re on opposite ends of the table with this issue, and it’s like the back and the forth, and it’s in the midst of the heated times when things get escalated with this particular child that we both have to still be cognizant of, “Yes, he’s right and yes, she’s right.” This is the reality: we’re not going to get this perfect. We’re going to deal with this as best we can. Now, regroup, and come up with a plan. This is where I just love my husband. He’s so strategic. He’s just a great leader. It’s easy for me to follow leadership that I can trust and that has proven the test of time. He actually values my voice and that has been something that’s shifted within our marriage. There’s always that, the communication.
Q. You have eight children. How do you manage all those personalities and challenges and fighting and stress without it impacting you emotionally and your marriage?
A. My husband and I are very good when we’re able to take walks together. That has been a key way for us to reconnect at the end of the day. We would walk for a mile and a half or so, and it was getting outside, it was the fresh air, it was standing side by side, and exercising. We could check in with each other. Date nights are huge. It’s important date night doesn’t become a business meeting.
I just delight in my children so much, and they bring me so much joy, and so for the two of us to come together and just talk about what they’re doing and what God is doing in their lives, it’s just really awesome. So, I would say to people who are nervous about being open to life and open to large families, it’s the best adventure. I am so glad and there’s no way I could imagine my life without any of them now.
Q. If you have 30 seconds with a couple, whether they are about to get married or they have been married for 25 or 50 years, and they ask you, “Beth, things are going great. It’s awesome, but I know we can be doing more to improve our relationship. What are we missing?”
A: I would first say pray, because your love will run out and you need Jesus’ love in you to go the distance. You need Jesus’ love in you to love your spouse when you get to the cross because marriage is meant to sanctify us. It’s not all roses and halos and so when that day comes, you need to be fueled up on prayer so that you can stay strong.
What about couples who want children but can’t get pregnant and adoption either isn’t an option, or the adoption process just isn’t going their way? What advice does Beth Sri have for them so their marriage can be beautiful without children? Listen or watch her interview on Dive Deep by going to youtube.com/diospringfield or searching Dive Deep on all the major podcast platforms.