Fr. Daren Zehnle’s story of tragedy, grief, and faith

‘I was angry at God’ 

Father Daren Zehnle faced tragedies no young boy should ever go through. How his story, outlook, and faith can you help you 

He didn’t know it at the time, but on the day after his birth, he already faced a tragic loss. Father Daren Zehnle came into this world on March 26, 1978, in Quincy. His twin brother, Matthew, due to medical issues, wasn’t as fortunate, dying shortly after birth. Just eight years later, Father Zehnle’s father, George William “Bill” Zehnle, died from cardiac arrest. Two years after that, his mother, Patricia “Pat” Ann (Szarka) Zehnle, died from a brain tumor. At not even 10 years old, Father Zehnle faced the world with no parents and never knowing his twin brother (he does have another brother, David). Young Daren became all too familiar with Calvary Cemetery in Quincy, with all three buried there.

Moving in with his dad’s sister and her husband, Mary and Robert “Bob” Reckers, the tragedies didn’t end. His paternal grandfather, George Arthur “Art” Zehnle, died a year after his mom. Then, one of his cousins with whom he grew up, Brian, died in 1993 when Father Daren was 15. At 18, he developed adult-onset juvenile arthritis.

We all face tragedy and loss in our life, but it’s easy to shed tears thinking about Father Daren as a young boy enduring extreme heartbreaks. Catholic Times editor, Andrew Hansen, interviewed Father Zehnle who is currently chaplain and director of campus ministry at Quincy University where he is also an adjunct assistant professor. May his hope, faith, and seeing God in the midst of tragedy help you.

Q. What fond memories do you have of your parents?

A. I remember Mom reading books to me and my brother, and my father preparing breakfast for us each morning before school. I have a couple of memories of shopping with Mom and Dad when I picked out a couple of stuffed animals, a dog and frog on two separate occasions. I remember Mom visiting me when I was in the hospital when I was a young boy. All of the memories I have of them are pleasant, happy memories.

Q. How did your parent’s death at such a young age impact you? 

A. Naturally, the death of my father shook my world apart. The death of my mother, being two years later, did not have quite the same effect, but I think it is fair to say no small part of my personality can be traced to the experience of their deaths.

Q. At what age do you remember it hitting you that your twin brother died and how it could have easily been you who died, and how did that impact you as a child?

A. I don’t remember when I realized what it meant that Matthew died, and I don’t think it really impacted me much as a child, probably because I had not known him. I knew I had a twin who died when we were born, but I don’t remember thinking much else.

Q. Did you ever get mad at God? How did you in the past and how do you today wrestle with the question, “Why, God?”

A. Of course I was angry at God, but I do not remember ever blaming Him for either of my parents’ deaths. I simply demanded of Him, “Why? What have I done to deserve this?” I hadn’t, of course, done anything, and I never received an answer to my questions. But as I cried and yelled at God, I began to sense Him saying, “I am with you. I love you. I will not leave you orphaned.”

Q. How has losing your family members at such a young age helped you in your faith and relationship with God?

A. It might seem strange to say that my parents’ deaths led me to God, but they did. I realized somehow I needed to draw close to — and stay close to — God. I felt safe, at peace, and comforted when I prayed.

Q. Do you think losing these family members at a young age played a role in you becoming a priest (Father Zehnle was ordained in 2005)?

A. Without question. The comforting presence of God and His compassionate love changed my life and allowed me to carry on. I wanted to be able to help others encounter and experience this same love, and I somehow knew that I could best do this as a priest.

Q. Do you think about seeing them again in heaven often? What will you say them when you see them again? What do you think they would say to you?

A. How could I not? I have seen them in a dream or a vision, though certainly not an apparition of any sort, welcome me to heaven and without a word, lead me to Jesus. I expect they will say to me what I will probably say to them, “I’ve missed you.”

Q. How do you grieve the loss of your family members and do you have any advice for people that you think can help them if they are grieving a loss? 

A. I grieved their deaths in small ways as a child, but it wasn’t until I went on my first Teens Encounter Christ retreat in June of 1996 that I really began to grieve for them. I don’t know why, but Kathy Xamis walked over to me that Saturday night, sat down next to me, and said, “It’s OK, you can let it all out.” I cried for what I remember to be about three hours. I’m sure my family had told me this before, but I hadn’t heard it, if you will. I did on that weekend, and I finally let out years of emotional pain. And then, from time to time, for many years, I continued to cry and grieve their deaths. I still do. The memory and pain of their loss hits unexpectedly and often in inconvenient times with no warning.

My advice for others is to remember that everyone grieves in his or her own way and at his or her own time. There is no cookie cutter way to grieve. Life will never be the same and time will not heal every wound. Some wounds cannot be fully healed this side of eternity.

Do not be afraid to yell at Him again. He’s big enough to take it. He calls you His friend and every true friend can bear some of our anger. Only do not blame God.

Find someone who will simply listen to your hurt and will allow you to cry, someone who will listen to your memories, and remember what J.R.R. Tolkien said through Gandalf the White: “I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.