‘I’ll prove the Church wrong’
How Kelsey Skoch’s porn addiction led to her become a leading Catholic voice on how to live a life of worth, dignity, and freedom 

By ANDREW HANSEN
Editor 

Kelsey Skoch had a pornography addiction. That’s right, she, not he. Today, the international speaker and author, who shares her faith at Catholic events around the world, is most known for her ministry and talks helping women to live in full freedom. Catholic Times Editor Andrew Hansen sat down with Skoch on the diocesan podcast, Dive Deep, to see how she overcame pornography, to ask her advice for how you can live with freedom from impurity, and more. You can hear/watch their interview on youtube.com/diospringfield or search Dive Deep on all the major podcast platforms. Answers here are edited.

Q. When you hear the word “porn,” everyone automatically thinks it’s a male thing. But you are proof that women get can be addicted as well.

A. I had that impression too growing up. I’d always heard it (watching porn) from the male perspective, like, “Oh, that’s something the men do and kind of what I was doing wasn’t as bad.” People think pornography is X-rated videos. In my mind, it was those video stores behind the curtain type stuff and so what I was doing like searching for videos online or like looking at kissing scenes or sex scenes from movies or an X-rated pornography website, this is totally fine. So, I started to watch those videos and started to allow it to affect my behavior and struggling with masturbation just became a part of my life, and I honestly had no idea that it wasn’t OK in the eyes of the Church, and I fell into a lot of the beliefs of the world such as this was just me exploring my sexuality, or this was just me as a woman knowing what my preferences were, or knowing that I’m a sexual woman. 

I went to a talk (during college), and they mentioned chastity, and they started teaching the principles of St. Pope John Paul II and what our bodies are made for. That’s where I questioned maybe what I’m doing really isn’t OK. They talked about addiction as essentially anything that we put before God, and I thought, “Well, this is my own free choice, so I’ll prove the Church wrong.” That’s always good when you say that “I’ll prove the  Church wrong.” I’m going to give this up for Lent, and if it’s easily done, I’m proving that I’m not addicted. This is my choice, and I’m not putting it before God, and if that’s easily done, then I can continue it on my own discretion. So that year, a few weeks in, I started thinking about it (watching porn) all the time, and I started having to create avenues and ways to get out of my apartment and figure out what I was going to do with my schedule because it started to consume me. I started to realize how it shifted my view of men and women — my relationships in general. That was kind of the beginning of my story because I remember thinking, “Dang! I’m addicted.” I have an addiction because I couldn’t keep from falling into it. So, I walked into my confession with the priest sharing with him that this is something that I struggled with, and that is the beginning of my journey of figuring out how do I actually now root this out. 

Q. What negative consequences of engaging in porn happened to you that at the time that you didn’t even realize? 

A. I think you can rationalize pretty much anything in your life, and I justified a lot of things I was doing, but for me, everything was compartmentalized, and I just separated it. This is what I did in my own time, in my own bedroom, and these relationships weren’t touched by that. A lot of times with this particular addiction, we don’t think it affects anyone else because it’s just something that we’re doing or experiencing, but it changed how I viewed people, and it wasn’t until I removed it fully from my life that I saw I’m actually over sexualizing people. Once you remove whatever it is that you’re addicted to and you go through the withdrawal, that is when you notice what you have been using as kind of a compensation for something else. It was also contributing to my view of relationships — what kind of man I thought I should be dating, my fear of marriage, and all the things going in that. There were a lot of emotional and physical (issues). I mean you name it, it was going on, but until I removed that stimulus, I had no idea how deep it had gone in my life.

Q. How did all this impact you as you started to date and then marry your husband?

A. I would say pornography in general because of our culture, you can’t get away from it. It is everywhere. Every single person has been impacted and affected by pornography, so I would say it impacts every single relationship, but if you’re someone who has had that addiction currently  or it is in your past, it’s going to impact your relationship. So, yes, I did have conversations with my now-husband. I think it was helpful for me because at the time that we started dating, I had already started speaking out about this and helping other women receive healing, so that was helpful, and it was kind of like he already knew that porn was part of my story, but I did share my full testimony, even pieces that no one will hear except for him and the Lord. Once we were engaged, I felt that was a level where we were at in our relationship where I was ready to unveil even more for him. 

I usually recommend for people in relationships that there comes a point when you’re dating and you’re shifting into boyfriend-girlfriend status where there’s the conversation of boundaries. That’s a great opportunity to say in all areas of chastity that you want to make sure you are seeking freedom and accountability, and that includes the physical boundaries. With pornography and masturbation, those are really important to make sure that I’m in full freedom and the person that I’m potentially discerning marriage with is also seeking full freedom. So, ask, “How do you feel about that?” and you kind of leave it open-ended. You’re not saying this is something you struggle with. You’re just saying, “Do you have accountability in all areas of chastity because that is a priority for me in in my relationships?” 

Q. What about someone who says, “Kelsey, I masturbate sometimes, and I do so because of course it feels good, but health experts say there are health benefits.” So why not? Why do I have to keep it bottled up inside indefinitely?

A.  I would argue if someone’s saying like “once in a while,” there could still be an addiction there because if it’s something that you’re desiring to do, I would challenge that person to say, “OK, then maybe don’t masturbate. What happens?” I often talk about how women’s cycles play a huge role in the temptations that occur. For men, there’s certain things that they have to go through and figure out day in and day out, but women, hormonally, there’s going to be times of our cycle in which we’re desiring a relationship, we’re desiring this type of pleasure in a certain way more so than others, and so the once a month hurdle for women could still actually be an addiction because they haven’t learned how to monitor their emotions and their hormonal cycle in a way that they can say “no” even when the temptation is great. 

For those people you mentioned that are like, “This is totally fine because this is just a healthy release to my body,” I don’t know of anyone who spontaneously combusted because they didn’t masturbate. People believe that there’s this bottling up experience that you just need to release and while the action is a release, yes, there is an intimacy that it’s designed for because the chemicals that are released in your brain when you’re doing these activities, you get a dopamine hit which is nice. That’s the feeling good chemical in your brain, but there’s oxytocin released as well, and that is the relationship bonding chemical in your brain. So, think about what you’re doing over and over again. You’re bonding yourself to no one and that can create a lot of issues long term that you don’t realize, the impact initially you don’t realize how that’s psychologically affecting you. You don’t realize how that’s making you self-dependent and not able to enter into true intimacy with another.

I think everyone could say they desire happiness. They desire to feel loved. They desire to love another and with their whole self, but unfortunately, people with addictions oftentimes get into marriages, and these things just come in like a wrecking ball, and they think, “Once I’m married, then I’m not going to worry about that. I’ll have the release through sex. It’ll be fine.” But no, they still have that addictive nature because you have conditioned your brain and these chemical releases incorrectly, and it takes a long time, it takes years of processing, that figuring out how to remove some of the images that you’ve seen or even just how your body naturally prefers to be stimulated in that way, and that can cause those issues as well.

Q. What is the culture telling women that is just ruining so many relationships or potential healthy relationships, and what should women be looking for to avoid these traps?

A. I honestly think that women first and foremost need to encounter the Lord. They need to encounter their relationship with Jesus because all these things that we’re talking about are symptoms of a greater desire that is not being met. We’re made for relationship with our Creator which is so beautiful, but unfortunately, if we aren’t tapping into that, we start grasping in all these other areas in the world and especially the world telling us, “Here, this will give you happiness, this will give you what you want, this is going to be an easy quick fix in that desire that you’re feeling of a relationship.” So, women are grasping, and sometimes, they’ll even grasp at a relationship that they know they’re not supposed to be in. They’ll be dating the not so good guy. They know they’re worth more, but they want to feel the love. So, to not fall into the traps, it’s really important to develop and cultivate that relationship with our Creator because then you see the counterfeit and know your worth. 

Q. Living with freedom is one of your themes in your talks. What about a person who says they like sleeping around, they enjoy “exploring their body,” and those things are “freeing” to them. What are they getting wrong?

A. I think it comes back to so many deeper things that are at play there because it’s not just about having sex. I think that’s kind of what the world wants to make it seem when you talk about what sex is. People think the Church has all these things saying “no,” and you shouldn’t do this. The Church is honestly saying “yes” to so many good things. St. Pope John Paul II is attributed for a quote of saying the problem with pornography is not that it reveals too much. It’s that it reveals too little. 

If you look at a husband giving himself completely to his spouse and a woman receiving her spouse in that way fully, it’s Trinitarian. It’s the way the Lord pours His love out to us in the sacrifice of the Cross, and we receive His love. Through that relationship, divine life is created. You have the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit and you have the husband and the wife and hopefully, new life can be created. When you talk about the truth of what the sexual act is and what it’s for and anytime I share this with a young woman, you can see their hearts are set on fire. They know that’s what they’re made for, they know that’s what they want. 

Every sexual act in and of itself is an experience of the Trinity. When we’re called to a vocation of marriage, new life should be a part of that. That is why I mentioned there’s so much more to that issue because generally, people haven’t learned the truth, beauty, and goodness of what the sexual act is for and what marriage is for. I talk to women who have had sex, and I’m like, “So, then, the next day, how do you feel?” They say that they feel loved. I’m like, “No, no, no.” There’s no full commitment. He hasn’t given his entire life for you. When you have sex in the way the Lord designed it, being totally faithful and allowing it to be fruitful, that fullness of everything that the Lord has designed sex for is safe, secure, and you feel so loved. 

Q. How did you ultimately break your addiction and what tips do you have for women and men who are struggling with pornography, masturbation, or any kind of addiction?

A. I often talk to women, and I say, “Where was Jesus when you were first exposed?” They say, “He wasn’t in the room. He was like across the highway.” I respond, “No, he was sitting right there screaming on the top of his lungs. He was heartbroken that this was happening to you.” I think when you realize that the Lord is with you in this, that He has seen what our oversexualized culture has done to you, He’s not wagging his finger and saying, “How could you do something so horrible?” He’s saying, “How could the world do this to my precious child?” He’s weeping, and He’s wanting you. From this, you can create this “we’re in this together relationship.”

Recognizing in your life when you are most triggered (to watch porn). When are the times when there is the highest temptation? For women, looking at your cycle, tracking it, being able to recognize those changes and those temptations. Then, monitoring yourself. Removing the things that you know are going to tempt you. A lot of people, it’s the phone next to the bed. So, removing those things that might add to those triggers or temptations and then filling it in with the good stuff. Adding coffee dates with friends, developing new hobbies, getting out in the world. Then, I always say spiritual direction, confession, and counseling. Whether it’s spiritual healing or even professional healing of a trauma or something you need to work through, find the professionals that can provide the healing you deserve.